ACTIVITY QUICKJUMP LINKS:
KIMOCHIS® FEELINGS FACT:
Some feelings can be hard to have and hard to share.
Some feelings we want to have and others we don’t. Sometimes other people don’t want us to have the feelings we are experiencing. Very often, kids develop beliefs about certain feelings being okay and others being unacceptable: “I can’t talk about winning the spelling contest—that’s bragging.” “When I told my brother about my friend being mean to me, he said, ‘Ignore him.’ ” “Feeling scared or showing sadness means you’re weak.” Learning to express feelings verbally prevents people from developing hurtful habits as ways of expressing themselves. Screaming, saying mean words, or physically lashing out when you feel mad ends up with people getting in trouble. This leads to the belief that it is not okay to feel mad.
We want to help children learn that ALL feelings are acceptable. We don’t judge feelings as good or bad, right or wrong, okay or not okay to have. It isn’t what you feel but how you experience it—and then, when, with whom, and how you share your feelings—that can impact these beliefs.
Therapeutic Objective:
Help children learn to evaluate who they can share their feelings with and when sharing feelings can help them feel better.
The Activities
FEELING SAFELY. Ask the child to sort all the Kimochis® feeling pillows into three different piles:
(1) feelings they are comfortable sharing; (2) feelings they keep to themselves; and (3) feelings they wish they could share but don’t. Listen to and observe how they make their decisions when sorting.
Start a conversation about trust. Create a list with the child of the qualities they want in someone to share feelings with and to help them with their problems. Who will listen? Who will help?
Note: You may need to explain that sometimes people hold their feelings in until they find a person to confide in, a person they trust to listen and help them. Encourage the child to keep looking until they find a few people like that. Hopefully, you’ll be one of them!
On squares of paper, have the child write down or tell you the names of important people in their life: Mom, Dad, siblings, relatives, other adults, friends, pets. Write one name on each piece of paper. Now ask the child to sort these into three different piles too: (1) people they can share their feelings with; (2) people they don’t or can’t share their feelings with; and (3) people they wish they could share their feelings with but don’t.
Combine the feeling pillows and the people cards that align (that is, put the the pile of feelings they are comfortable sharing with the people they freely share feelings with, etc.). Ask them if the feeling words on the pillows match up with the people. This part of the activity may lead to greater differentiation among the pillows and the people, and that’s a good thing, as it illustrates the child’s awareness that they seek out different people for sharing different types of feelings. For example, Uncle Steve may be perfect to talk to when feeling sad, but sister Jenny is the best person to go to when feeling mad, and Mom is best when feeling silly. Tell the child that knowing who they can go to with different kinds of feelings is an important tool.
A variation on this activity is to just make and then spread out the name cards. Then pull a variety of feelings one at a time and let the child decide who might be good for helping with that particular feeling. For instance, “I think Grandpa could help me with frustrated, because even when I see him irritated, his voice stays calm.”
DARE TO SHARE. People often don’t share one feeling because other feelings make it hard for them to do so. For example, a child who is feeling upset about being teased may feel shy and/or scared about saying anything because of how peers may react.
Ask the child to select feelings that might be hard for kids their age to share. Then ask them to choose other feelings that could make it hard to share the original feeling. If they choose mad, for instance, that may be hard to share because scared or embarrassed accompanies it. Acknowledge that it makes sense to feel scared and/or embarrassed to share mad feelings. Think out loud with the child about what they know or have seen that could help them deal with and share their upset feelings.
You will want to repeat this exercise making it more personal to the child’s feelings.
FEELINGS SANDWICH. This activity is intended to help kids recognize that even hard-to-have feelings can be digested when “sandwiched” between feelings with a preferred flavor. It also helps kids realize that even when they are feeling upset, they have access to other feelings that can help them feel better.
To start, pull a feeling pillow that is hard for you to have and show it to the child. Next, pull two positive feelings that make the difficult one easier for you to manage and put one on top and one on bottom of the hard-to-have feeling to create a Kimochis® sandwich. Explain to the child how these two positive feelings give you comfort and support when you need it. For example: “I was disappointed last week when a paper I wrote didn’t get accepted for publication. But then I thought about how proud I am of the work I do for people, and I’m hopeful that I can share more of that work in a different publication, maybe, or in the next paper I write.” Tell the child that they, too, can make a Kimochis® sandwich to help themselves feel better when they are having a difficult time, and then invite them to do so.
Walk them through the steps above one at time: have them pull a hard-to-have feeling and share with you why they’re feeling it. Then ask the child to pull two other feelings that make them feel good. Ask them to consider how those two enjoyable feelings can make the hard-to-have feeling better.
Another example: The child comes to therapy to manage feelings about the loss of a grandparent. If sad is chosen as the hard-to-have feeling in the middle, then grateful on top (for having such a wonderful grandparent as long as they did) and loved on the bottom (knowing how much their grandparent adored them and that their parents care about helping them through the loss) can make it much easier to cope with the sadness of mourning.
Extend this activity by having the child consider if there are other sandwiches they can make with this same hard-to-have feeling that would make it easier to swallow. Talk about, draw pictures, or write down things the child can do to help themselves feel surrounded and protected by the better feelings when the hard feelings arise.
MORE SANDWICHES. The sandwich approach can be used in multiple ways—for hard-to-share feelings, not just hard-to-have feelings. Letting other people know what we’re feeling is essential, but it can be quite difficult and it takes practice.
With the child, pick out a hard-to-share feeling. Then pull out brave and put it under the hard-to-share feeling, telling the child that it takes courage to open up, but assuring them that things usually work out well when they do. Have them practice sharing the difficult feeling with a prompt like, “It makes me feel ___________ when you ___________” or “I feel ___________ for doing___________.” Now top the sandwich with proud, acknowledging the child for sharing the challenging feeling. Ask the child to share any feelings of accomplishment they may have for doing this activity. Repeat this cycle with any other difficult-to-share feelings you are working on with the child. Ask the child if they’d like to try sharing feelings with someone before your next meeting. Be sure to follow up when they come back to see how it went.
Note: It is important to distinguish for children the difference between saying what they think/feel/want/need to say and having the other person react in the way they want them to or think they should. Mom may still say “no” to something they ask and a friend may still be mean, but speaking up for oneself builds confidence and inner strength.
UNDER AND OVER. Have the child pour all the Kimochis® feeling pillows out of the basket. Turn the basket upside down. Telling them you will close your eyes so you can’t watch, instruct the child to put under the basket feelings they think kids their age would prefer not sharing. Next, ask the child to place on top of the basket feelings they think kids their age are more comfortable sharing.
When you open your eyes, make some guesses as to which feelings might be under the basket and let the child count how many you get right. Together, make some guesses as to why people might not want to share their “under-the-basket” feelings. For instance, if someone feels shy, others might tease them. Then have the child take each feeling that’s hidden under the basket and make a list of things that would make it easier to share these feelings with others. Reassure the child that everyone needs just one safe person to share all their feelings with.
Ask the child if they have a person in their life who does or says things that lets them know it’s safe to share with them. Encourage the child to talk to this person about their feelings. Ask them what makes it easier to speak to this person about their feelings. What does this person do or not do that helps the child share with them? Just being aware of who they can confide in may lead them to do so more frequently.
Continue the conversation and get curious with the child about qualities they have that encourage people to want to share their under-the-basket feelings with them. End this activity by assuring the child that you are someone they can trust their hidden feelings to.
COVER UP. When people are having hard-to-have feelings that they’re not ready to share, they often “cover them up.” At school, kids might show one feeling on the outside (looking happy or confident when joining a new group) that is quite different from what they’re actually feeling on the inside (like lonely or insecure). Or when things are tough at home: on the outside, kids act with their friends like everything is just fine, but on the inside, they’re feeling sad and confused.
Note: Make sure to explain to the child that it can sometimes be very useful to cover up—when we need to concentrate on schoolwork, for example, or when there’s not someone nearby we can share our feelings with or when we’d rather have fun with our friends than dwell on something that is bothering us.
Ask the child to think about a time they had feelings they didn’t want to share or something they are working on with you that is hard to talk about. If they don’t want to identify the situation they’re struggling with, that’s okay. They can still pick feelings and sort them into two piles of those they are “keeping inside” and those they are “showing on the outside.” These can also be talked about as “private” and “public” feelings.
Talk with the child about why they sometimes cover up. Do they think other people do this too? Often, kids think that they’re the only ones who feel a certain way about what they’re dealing with, so it’s helpful for them to learn that other people sometimes keep their feelings on the inside as well.
Note: This exercise can lead to a discussion about the feelings-behavior link. What does the child believe happens when big, heavy, hard-to-have feelings are kept inside for too long? Is it possible that their friend who’s been less friendly lately or their dad who’s been snapping more often lately might be doing some ‘“covering up” of their own?
FEELINGS HUNT. To both expand on the theme of inside/outside feelings and extend the hide-and-seek activity from Group 1, invite the child to hide some Kimochis® feeling pillows around the room—those feelings that they think people do not like to feel or share. Once they’re all hidden, you hunt for them.
As you find each one, invite the child to pull feelings from the basket that make the hidden feeling hard to have or hard to share. For sad, for example, maybe it’s hidden inside when someone feels embarrassed, scared, or insecure. Then ask the child to pick out a feeling that could make it easier to share this hard-to-have feeling.
Now it’s your turn to hide some hard-to-have feelings you believe the child is currently struggling with. When the child finds each feeling, have them give you a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down as to whether or not they’re experiencing it.
Note: Depending on how established the relationship is between you and the child, you can accept their response or you can gently challenge it to encourage more openness about acknowledging and sharing the hard-to-have feeling.
OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOES. This activity helps kids learn about feelings other people have and that those feelings may be the same as or different from theirs. Begin by helping children understand the concept of perspective taking. Select an object in your therapy space, like a patterned pillow, large toy, or picture on your wall. Take turns saying what you each see. As the therapist, you want to point out different things than what the child sees. Acknowledge what the child sees and help them see what you observe. After three or four observations, ask the child, “Are the things you see correct?” Follow up with, “Are the things I see correct?” (The answer to both questions should be “yes.”) Ask, “Can we look at the same thing but see it differently?” Explain that this is what often happens in disagreements: People see different things in what happened, and both can be right.
Note: This activity is most effective when repeated, as perspective taking can take some time to learn.
Next, have a large pair of shoes available that the child can step into or draw a large pair of shoes on a piece of paper that the child can stand on. Reinforce that people can feel differently about the same situation. Give the following example: “You are playfully teasing someone, and you think it’s funny.” Have the child pick out the feelings they would have in this situation (like silly, friendly). Then have the child step into the pair of shoes and think about what the other person could be feeling. Pick those feelings out of the basket. Compare the two sets of feelings. Ask about other times when the child felt differently from someone else or vice versa. “How do you act depending on how you feel?” “How easy or hard is it to wear another person’s shoes, see things from their perspective?”
CURIOUS CAT. Pull out the curious feeling pillow and share that curiosity can be a very powerful tool in life because it helps us understand why we do some of the things we do. Curiosity can help us have more compassion for self and others. Ask the child:
- “What does ‘curiosity’ mean?”
- “How can curiosity be helpful?”
- “When is curiosity not helpful?”
- “Can curiosity get you into trouble?”
Ask the child to think of a time when someone did something they didn’t understand (or create a situation for the child to consider). Ask the child to be curious by considering reasons why the person may have behaved as they did. (If the child makes it general or personal—“They were just being mean” or “She wanted to make me cry”—ask them to step into the other person’s shoes and consider what that person may have been experiencing or going through that caused them to act that way.) For example, if they’re bothered by someone who frequently interrupts them when they speak, ask them to be curious about what causes this person to interrupt.
Note: We forget that others regularly behave on the basis of their own internal situations, and while their behavior may impact us, it is not really about us. Understanding this can help kids learn to react with compassion rather than taking things personally and responding in anger.
Take out the kind Kimochis® feeling pillow. Ask the child how they would want others to treat them when they aren’t being quite themselves. Then ask what they can do if someone they care about is behaving differently than they usually do.
As the child holds the curious feeling, ask them to consider some of their own behaviors. Say, “Let’s practice being curious,” and then follow it up with a pertinent example they’ve shared with you. For example, “Why did you [knock down the blocks your sister was playing with or hide your mother’s purse]? Understanding the impulse or motivation behind your own behavior can help you behave differently the next time you might want to act in a way that isn’t helpful to you or those around you.”
WHAT’S ON YOUR PLATE: PART 2. In Group 1, this activity applied to children learning about their own feelings. Here, the activity is expanded by having children consider the feelings of others as well.
Give the child a paper plate. Toss all the Kimochis® pillows on the floor or a table and have the child turn them word-side-up without talking. Give the child a prompt and invite them to pick up various feeling pillows in response to the prompts. Children can alternatively draw or write feeling words on their plate.
- “What feelings do you think one of the popular kids has at recess?”
- “What feelings do you think your mom or dad has before going to work?”
- “What feelings do you think your friend has before bedtime?”
- “What feelings do you think your brother has when he has to stop doing something he’s enjoying?”
- “What feelings do you think your cousin has when someone is unkind to her?”
- “What feelings do you think your sister has about playing basketball?”
- “What feelings do you think your mom has about going to the beach?”
- “What feelings do you think your grandma has about math?”
After the child chooses the feelings for each prompt, ask them if they would feel the same feelings or different ones. Talk about how people can have different reactions to the same situation.
COMPASSION STEW. Ask the child about someone they know who may be having or has had hard-to-have feelings, then have them put all those feeling pillows in a stew pot. Ask the child how they can tell that the other person is upset: What do they see, feel, and hear that lets them know what the person may be experiencing? Talk about what might be causing the other person’s feelings. Together, generate possible reasons the other person is upset.
Note: Kids (and adults) often make assumptions about what is going on without knowing all the facts. It may be clear that a friend is sad because their cat died, but there could be several reasons why a friend is off sulking in the corner.
Next, have the child pull feelings that they have in response to the other person’s upset (including any that may already be in the pot) and add those feelings to the stew. Then add feelings the child believes could help that person feel better.
As the child stirs the pot of feelings, talk about compassion—the concern we feel for someone else who is going through a hard time. Brainstorm with the child about things they could do or say to help the person have more of the better feelings. Ask what they might want someone else to do for them if they were in that situation. Role-play situations in which one of you is hurting and the other is helping. Practice simple statements, such as, “Sam, it looks like you are feeling _________. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Can I help? Do you want to talk?” Practice giving a gentle pat on the back, arm, or hand.
Explain to the child that the person might not readily admit their own feelings or accept the offer of help, but they will know that they have a true friend who cares enough about them to notice and say something. End by having the child identify which feelings result from offering to help the other person. Mix those into the stew as you talk about how we can all help each other make hard-to-have feelings better.
Note: Children can also make a stew of their own feelings, as learning to be compassionate toward themselves is another tool that will benefit them for life.
HARD TO HEAR BUT GOOD TO KNOW. Other people sometimes get upset with us. That can be hard to hear, but it’s good to know because it gives us the chance to try to fix things. In fact, it’s actually much harder to deal with people who are upset with us but won’t tell us why or won’t talk about what happened, right? So explain these ideas to the child, emphasizing that something good can come out of something hard.
Have the child recall a “hard to hear but good to know” experience they had. Then have the child pull out the feelings the other person was having. Next, have them pull the feelings they had in response to knowing the other person was upset with them. (If the child has difficulty thinking of their own “hard to hear but good to know” experience, they can use someone they know as an example instead.)
Get two paper plates and label one Good Choice Response and the other Not Great Response. Write down samples of each, explaining that “not great responses” are often our first impulse, like yelling, stomping, denying the hard news we’ve been told, or accusing the other person of something instead. “Good choice responses,” in contrast, come about when we give ourselves an opportunity to take a deep breath, think about what we just heard for a minute, and then respond when we’re ready. Talk with the child about the potential outcomes for each type of response. For example, “Say your sister comes into the playroom and screams at you, ‘You’re such a slob! Why is it always so messy in here?’ What would happen if you just yelled back, ‘You’re the slob! Now get out of here and leave me alone’? … What would happen if you took a breath, took a minute to look around the room, then calmly answered, ‘Maybe you have a point. I’ll make sure I put my things away later when I’m done with them’?”
Ask the child to pull feelings from the Kimochis® basket that describe how they feel about themselves after responding with a not great response versus a good choice response. Role-play a few situations with them that include different types of responses. Talk about the various ways people can work through a problem, including the “agree to disagree” approach. Share with the child ways that people “make up” after resolving a “hard-to-hear” situation, such as a handshake, a hug, making a funny face.
End by letting the child know that we can’t control how other people will respond to us. However, we can control how we respond to others and how we can try to repair hurt feelings when they happen. When we do that, we can feel proud of ourselves. Hand the child the proud feeling.